The Power of “self-deprecating” Failures

Recently I got an awesome opportunity to be the keynote speaker at a large annual event of a multinational company.

Totally excited, I tried to remember the source of this opportunity – How did I get it and what lesson can it teach me about networking. Let me share it with you.

I trust you agree with me that we ALL fail. It’s part of life.

Do you remember your last time you have failed?

When you were a child did you suddenly get up and walk? Or did you stumble and fall hundreds of times before you mastered this art that you now do without thinking?

I also failed many times, in business, in personal life, in building business relationships or personal relationships with others etc.

But I remember specifically a very specific period. It was one of the longest periods of constant failures in my life. It was right after I was working as an International Commercial Director in one of the largest banks in Europe. The bank decided to sell to a third party the department that I was part of, and we all needed to look for a new job.

For almost 12 months I was looking for a new job. I tried every option I had. I send hundreds of solicitation letters. I applied to jobs around the world, since in the Netherlands, where I was based I was over qualified and I struggled to find a suitable opportunity.

I was busy. I was traveling internationally many times for all these companies who asked to meet with me and interview me. But inside of me, I felt a complete failure.

Failure after failure after failure.

I did not intent to move to another country; I did not intend to commute. So why bother and travel to meet all these companies? Why spend time meeting all these key people and company leaders globally?

I never understood the reason for that. I only wanted this period to end and the sooner the better.

Years passed by and I am now a very successful international speaker in more than 48 countries… But now I got it.

During my ‘failure’ period, I met all these key people. I had very heart-to-heart conversations with them. Real conversions. I shared openly about my failures. I got to know them better probably more than a lot of other people.

Although, I did not apply to the specific job at that time, but I knew to keep in touch with them. I knew to keep sending opportunities their way. I kept introducing them to other interesting people that I know.

Now I got it. I learn the powerful secret of failure in building relationships.

This period gave me so much free time to give sincere attention to other people internationally. That it stayed for life!

No wonder, one of this key people is today the CEO of this multinational company, and he invited me to keynote to his personnel in one of this company largest events ever.

So, let me ask you a question: Do you share your failures with your relationships? Do you tell stories that let your audience authentically  know about your failures? If you are a speaker – do you share your failure stories on stage with your audience?

Plant any thought but this one.

One of the absolutely worst thoughts that you can plant in the minds of people you are trying to connect with, being it your prospects or your audience, is for them to think that you’re special.

The minute that the other person got to believe that you achieved something because you are talented, you will not be able to connect easily or not at all.  The reason for that is that most people think that they are not talented as you are. Thus, they can’t learn anything from you.

When you build relationships with other people, you should not come across as being  someone who “has all the answers”. You need first to share with the other person the experience that led up to that wisdom and success, only then your message will not fall on deaf ears.

So by  sharing your failures first and even poking fun at them in a lighthearted way, you will go a long way in connecting with the other person and to made him accept your message.

Use “self-deprecating humor” to connect

While trying to network and connect with other people, most people would rather hide than have to share their failures with the other person. Why? Because they think that sharing their faults  will make them look weak  and this is simply not true.

On the contrary, when done with confidence, self-deprecating actually builds  you up in the eyes of the other person.

You can take it even further and use “self-deprecating humor”  (expression taken from the comedy world) to share your failures with the other person. Trust me it works like a magic!

Why? Let me share 5 reasons with you:

1.  Just like you

If you share your failures with other persons, they see you as a normal human being. Someone who can fail, just like them. This makes you authentic and real. You are letting people into the REAL you, building real connections. And don’t you want to connect only with real and authentic people?

2. Real Attention

If you made the other person laugh with you while connecting, it creates a positive environment. They are attentive and tuned in to you and to your message. It makes the connection unique and memorable one. Exactly what you want when connecting and building relationships with others.

3. An Inspiration Source

Don’t underestimate the power of inspiring others to make a change in their life. If you share your failures and your power how you got over your failures, you will no doubt inspire other people. I always say if you got a gift and you do not share it with the world, you are selfish. So you must be an inspiration source for others by sharing your failures.

4. Boost your confidence

Yes, by sharing  your failures, it makes YOU more confident.

Your sharing will magically turn that failure from something that you might be ashamed of into a positive and successful power in your life.

This is maybe sound selfish, but you will not be able to connect and make a difference in other people’s life if you do not accept first to make that change in your own life.

5. A great bonding agent

We use self-deprecating humor in everyday life, with your family at home, with colleagues at work , in your daily interactions with people.

Yes, I am aware that there are still those who take themselves much too seriously or don’t have a healthy level of confidence and cannot use comfortably self-deprecating humor.  And the only advice I have for these people is try it and see the effect it has on connecting with other people.

The  bottom line is this; the more you tune into humor while talking about your failures the more it will be part of you and the easier it will get to use this special mean to connect with other people.

In an interesting article from February 2013 in the Psychology Today titled “On the Benefits of Failure”, evolutionary psychologist Nigel Barber, Ph.D writes about the benefits of failure saying that we should:

“Never underestimate the magical properties of failure. It rewires the brain and gets the creative juices flowing”.

Now looking at it that way, why wouldn’t you share also your failures, while connecting and building relationships with others?

Your takeaway message

Failures force us to clear out the noise and zero in on what is most important. Failures create clarity and super focus attention to connect with the people and things that really matter!

You will allow others to accept your message and genuinely connect with you if you will learn to share and even laugh at your failures. It proves that you are human. It shows that  you are similar to them not special. It proves that you need to learn hard from your own experiences to be able to succeed.

“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.” Winston Churchill

Failure is final if you refuse to get up, dust yourself off and get back in the game. The key is to build on the lessons learned, forge ahead and share it with others.

If you want to read further on dealing with failures check the following links:

1. Intelligent Failure Learning And Innovation Loop and see an interesting model for Intelligence Failure HERE.

2. Why Success Always Starts with Failure

3. What if The Answer To Your Problem Is to Hit The Gas? 

Next time you think you’ve failed miserably, remind yourself of the amazing benefits failure can bring. The greater the failure, the greater the potential for reward.

Remember this: When done with confidence, sharing and poking fun at your failures with others before sharing about your successes is an absolute way to success in building authentic relationships.

And indeed, this way was not traveled by many others.

QUESTION: How much do you think there is a direct connection between your ability to share your failures and you being authentic? Do you believe that sharing your failures is a great way to connect with other people?